Killing Monsters: Choosing to live

Joining my blogger friends Marissa Star and Melissa Sapien Aulds in a #killingmonsters series. Getting real, honest, and raw about what we struggle with.

Some women struggle with depression or anxiety, others with self-acceptance or worthiness. The world assaults us with labels, and it's just so easy to believe them. I could write about these struggles (and more) in my own life, but I would do them no justice if I didn't express what I'm about to share with you.

As a child I was surrounded by chaos. My father, while brilliant and loving, was often unpredictable, moody, and angry. And as a somewhat headstrong little girl, I was often the subject of that anger.

Like many children, I started to believe that things were my fault. Most little girls hide from the monsters in their life.

Me, I thought I was the monster.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that I'd brought the chaos into the world with me, that I caused all the pain that seemed to be swirling around me. So I made a vow to hide away, hoping that would set everything right.

I decided to ignore the things that were placed in me, or what I wanted out of life. I decided to hide, and I got really good at it. 

I hid myself away in busyness and masks. In bluntness and forwardness. In strength and know-how. In both people pleasing and rebellion. In ability and performance.I hid in every way a person can hide.

Until I couldn't anymore.

Six months ago I sat in front of a counselor and told her, "I don't really feel like I fit in my own skin anymore."

Ever so coolly she replied, "Sounds like a good thing to me."

She was right. That was the beginning of a journey that has helped me to dig out the lies I've believed, to give back ownership of other's dysfunctions (and to own my own), and most importantly...

To choose to really live.

There's this scene in a movie I saw recently, Warm Bodies. In it a zombie boy falls in love with a girl and begins to literally come alive. He narrates this journey and towards the end he says something along the lines of "being alive means feeling pain, but anything is better than being dead."

And man is he right!

And this is what that looks like.

Living and loving it!

Killing my monster meant realizing that I wasn't one. It meant choosing to live.

10 “My beloved responded and said to me,
‘Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me..
Song of Solomon, Chapter 2


  1. Thank you for sharing your story! I really identify, I too took all the blame for the dysfunction of those around me onto myself as a little girl. I hadn't really thought about it clearly until I read this though. Thank you for shining a light on this are in all of us!

  2. So good thank you for sharing!

  3. I love this! I thought you were talking about me! :-)


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