The Deep End

I walk into the room awkward and unsure.

Where am I supposed to sit?

Chairs are set up in succinct patterns of circles in the room, four on one side, four on the other. I take a seat next to a man who looks confident. He belongs.

My hands shake, painfully cold. They do this when I'm nervous, always have. I'm here to observe a prophetic leadership presbytery, but the kind man next to me tells me if I have a word, to go ahead and share it. I hold my full pad close to my chest, with no plans to utter a word.

The other ministers finish up. I'm home-free! My body relaxes.

Then he nudges me. Crap! That kind man asks me if I have anything to say, because clearly he sees my full note pad. He eyes it knowingly and nods.

So I do.  I jump in the deep end. My voice shaking, my hands ice, I share.

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That was two years ago.

Ever feel like this? Like there are much more qualified people. You look around and see others, and that horrible comparison cycle starts.

Can I share a secret with you? God likes...no...he loves the underdogs! David the small, Moses the stutterer, Joseph the dreamer, Peter the blasphemer...should I go on? Because I can. There are books full of them!

Last Thursday I met a woman during a ministry event and the second she saw my name, she laughed. Seeing my perplexed look she said that I'd been at her presbytery. She thought, and correctly, that it was my first one, the day I observed. Her eyes welled with tears as she told me that what I said she still kept close to her heart today. I still don't remember what I said and she didn't really elaborate.

But I know this.

That day I jumped. And the water out there wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. In fact, it felt just fine.