More than my mistakes...
"Whatcha thinkin' about?" My husband eyed me patiently.
"Nothing." But that wasn't true. I sat on the top of the stairs in our new apartment, thoughts swirling around in my head, tears just on the verge of spilling over.
In fact that nothing that was something, was actually something big. I just couldn't quite put it into words. From 2009 to this January my husband and I had become full-time caregivers (on top of full-time work) to my grandmother. We'd tried our best to help her rehabilitate, but that was just one of my motives. I wanted our relationship rehabilitated too.
My Nonna is a great woman, but our relationship was almost always strained. Her blunt comments pierced my tiny sensitive heart as a child. There were labels that came out of that (fat, unworthy) and wounds that gaped open for years. Secretly, the little girl in me felt that if I could become 'of use' to her, maybe, just maybe, I'd finally please her.
In November of 2011 it became clear that not only could I not please her, but it simply wasn't my job too. And yet, I couldn't help this nagging feeling inside that I'd somehow failed both myself and her by leaving. She was healthy enough now to live on her own with help from other family members, but I still felt guilty. Guilty that I couldn't mend our relationship, guilty of not being able to let go, guilty of feeling like I'd wasted two years of mine, but worse, my husband's time. My perceived mistakes were haunting me, taunting me, and making me miserable.
But that still small voice whispered gently:
You are not your mistakes....
Right, God. I get it...nothing but the blood.
No, YOU are not you're mistakes. You are not your issues. You are mine.
Tears flowed down my cheeks now as I finally understood what He was telling me. That my identity had nothing to do with what I did (or did not) do, and everything to do with Him. My one New Year's Resolution had been to love God more, and as a result, people. It had never occurred to me that I had to love, forgive, and give grace to myself first. Or rather, accept the love, forgivness, and grace I've been given by the One that matters most.
I'm committed to giving others second chances and standing with People of The Second Chance to do so, but this year, I'm finally giving one to myself.
Because He says I'm worth it.