Guest Post: The Porn Trap
Today's guest writer, Amy, is a precious "far away" friend that I met first through the blogosphere and then in real life as she and her husband came to our inner healing conference at Gateway Church. She and her husband are passionate about helping others find the freedom in Christ He came to give us and have helped start their own Freedom Ministry at their church in Pennsylvania. She writes at Walking in Freedom, where her transparency in her own struggles opens the doors for honest conversations about this journey we're all on. Below is an example of her sincere desire to help others walk through things she herself has struggled with. Pornography.
It's a subject that's normally looked at as a man’s problem. You won't hear much about women who are tempted by or addicted to porn, and while Pornography is such a taboo subject within the church, women being tempted by it seems even more so. More than likely you know a woman who secretly deals with this addiction. Maybe you are one of those women. There are many women striving to follow Jesus who are trapped in the web of pornography and I was once one of them.
A few years back, I found myself trapped in a porn addiction. I was trying everything I could to break free from it, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t know how to. I kept trying and failing. I was following Jesus the best I knew how at the time, but what I didn’t realize was that I truly could not follow Jesus and be looking at porn at the same time (duh!), even if I was trying to stop.
So, how did this happen?
Before I committed my life to Christ, my former husband would rent porn movies, and I unfortunately started watching them with him. 1 Cor. 6:18 says that when you commit a sexual sin, you are committing a sin against your own body. I have experienced the unfortunate truth of this scripture firsthand. I somehow thought it was harmless, not realizing that I was doing damage both to myself and affecting my future in countless ways.
Years later, I gave my life to Christ and married Kevin. Somewhere along the way, I found myself looking at porn online. I was trapped. Despite how degrading porn is towards women, I found myself thinking about it all the time. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't think I could ever tell anyone. I felt so much guilt and shame, crushed under the weight of this secret I was hiding from everyone, especially my husband. I obviously knew God was aware of what was going on, but I just continued each day as if He didn’t. I wanted help, but I just felt too much shame and embarrassment to approach Him.
I have since found that that I am not alone in my former struggle-- up to 17% of those addicted to porn are women. Many of these women are Christians, too. I always thought I was the only one. Part of this trap for women consists of thinking you’re alone in your struggles. If you are caught up in this web of addiction, let me tell you that you are not alone, not even close!
Some women start looking at pornography because of an unmet emotional need. Others look for an escape from their daily lives, or use it to numb themselves from emotional pain. After a while, the reason they started turns into something entirely different and becomes a horrific trap. For me, it started from a place of wanting so desperately to feel some kind of intimacy and while it was false intimacy, it was as close as I could come to feeling the real thing. I didn’t know what true intimacy was.
A huge component of porn is fantasy. It wasn’t until I stopped looking at all the porn that God slowly started to reveal to me the world of sexual fantasy that I had built up in my mind. I honestly didn’t realize how bad it was until God started putting His spotlight on these lustful thoughts I was continually having.
If you are married, or maybe one day will be, let me tell you that this is a huge intimacy killer in a marriage! Not lusting over or fantasizing about someone other than your spouse seems obvious, but for someone who is (or was) trapped in pornography, this is a stronghold that needs to be torn down in order to become sexually whole.
This is not an overnight process, but one that can be completed with God’s help! I am living proof! Once I started to deal with the state of my heart, and all of the junk in it, my compulsion to look at pornography started to subside.
A few years back, I found myself trapped in a porn addiction. I was trying everything I could to break free from it, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t know how to. I kept trying and failing. I was following Jesus the best I knew how at the time, but what I didn’t realize was that I truly could not follow Jesus and be looking at porn at the same time (duh!), even if I was trying to stop.
So, how did this happen?
Before I committed my life to Christ, my former husband would rent porn movies, and I unfortunately started watching them with him. 1 Cor. 6:18 says that when you commit a sexual sin, you are committing a sin against your own body. I have experienced the unfortunate truth of this scripture firsthand. I somehow thought it was harmless, not realizing that I was doing damage both to myself and affecting my future in countless ways.
Years later, I gave my life to Christ and married Kevin. Somewhere along the way, I found myself looking at porn online. I was trapped. Despite how degrading porn is towards women, I found myself thinking about it all the time. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't think I could ever tell anyone. I felt so much guilt and shame, crushed under the weight of this secret I was hiding from everyone, especially my husband. I obviously knew God was aware of what was going on, but I just continued each day as if He didn’t. I wanted help, but I just felt too much shame and embarrassment to approach Him.
I have since found that that I am not alone in my former struggle-- up to 17% of those addicted to porn are women. Many of these women are Christians, too. I always thought I was the only one. Part of this trap for women consists of thinking you’re alone in your struggles. If you are caught up in this web of addiction, let me tell you that you are not alone, not even close!
Some women start looking at pornography because of an unmet emotional need. Others look for an escape from their daily lives, or use it to numb themselves from emotional pain. After a while, the reason they started turns into something entirely different and becomes a horrific trap. For me, it started from a place of wanting so desperately to feel some kind of intimacy and while it was false intimacy, it was as close as I could come to feeling the real thing. I didn’t know what true intimacy was.
A huge component of porn is fantasy. It wasn’t until I stopped looking at all the porn that God slowly started to reveal to me the world of sexual fantasy that I had built up in my mind. I honestly didn’t realize how bad it was until God started putting His spotlight on these lustful thoughts I was continually having.
If you are married, or maybe one day will be, let me tell you that this is a huge intimacy killer in a marriage! Not lusting over or fantasizing about someone other than your spouse seems obvious, but for someone who is (or was) trapped in pornography, this is a stronghold that needs to be torn down in order to become sexually whole.
This is not an overnight process, but one that can be completed with God’s help! I am living proof! Once I started to deal with the state of my heart, and all of the junk in it, my compulsion to look at pornography started to subside.
I have not done it perfectly but I am now seeking Jesus for true intimacy and connection, not some ridiculous fantasy I have built up in my mind. Intimacy with Jesus is something that I’m just starting to really experience, and it’s awesome! There’s nothing like it! Pursue intimacy with Him, even if you don’t know exactly what that may look like…and you will be able to tap into something that is much better than any porn “high” can give you.
So, do I still deal with the temptation to look at pornography? Rarely, but I have to be very careful to guard my heart with what I see online and what I think about. This comes as second nature now, but I’ve noticed if I’m feeling particularly lonely, overwhelmed or bored, I need to guard my heart just that much more.
Maybe you're reading this, and you are trapped in the web of pornography. I call it a web, because once you start it's so easy to get tangled up in it, unable to get out - despite your best efforts and desire to stop. I encourage you to confess this to someone, to reach out. When sins are no longer hidden, the power they have over you starts to subside. Talk to your pastor, Christian counselor or mature a Christian friend if you're able to. Sometimes it's even easier to talk with someone you don't know as well like a trained counselor.
God loves you and will help you make the necessary changes in your life. Talk to Him about your struggles. He already knows about them, anyway! He’s not looking at you and pointing His finger. God does not expect perfection from us, but He does expect us to follow Him and turn our back on sin. Don’t let shame, fear, guilt and condemnation keep you in bondage.
There is no mess or bondage in your life that is too big for Him to fix. It’s not too late for you! He’s holding His arms out to you and waiting for you to turn this over to Him. Don’t wait one more day. Freedom is just around the corner, if you're willing to take the journey!
_________________________________________________________________So, do I still deal with the temptation to look at pornography? Rarely, but I have to be very careful to guard my heart with what I see online and what I think about. This comes as second nature now, but I’ve noticed if I’m feeling particularly lonely, overwhelmed or bored, I need to guard my heart just that much more.
Maybe you're reading this, and you are trapped in the web of pornography. I call it a web, because once you start it's so easy to get tangled up in it, unable to get out - despite your best efforts and desire to stop. I encourage you to confess this to someone, to reach out. When sins are no longer hidden, the power they have over you starts to subside. Talk to your pastor, Christian counselor or mature a Christian friend if you're able to. Sometimes it's even easier to talk with someone you don't know as well like a trained counselor.
God loves you and will help you make the necessary changes in your life. Talk to Him about your struggles. He already knows about them, anyway! He’s not looking at you and pointing His finger. God does not expect perfection from us, but He does expect us to follow Him and turn our back on sin. Don’t let shame, fear, guilt and condemnation keep you in bondage.
There is no mess or bondage in your life that is too big for Him to fix. It’s not too late for you! He’s holding His arms out to you and waiting for you to turn this over to Him. Don’t wait one more day. Freedom is just around the corner, if you're willing to take the journey!
Some statistics about women and pornography:
* 17% of all women struggle with porn addiction
* 1 of 3 visitors to all adult websites are women
* 9.4 million women access adult websites every month
From the Internet Filter Review
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