I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship. Louisa May Alcott
If you met my grandmother, you'd understand my plight. Fiesty, bold, and often devoid of any tact, she is an obstacle of love all on her own. As a child I resented her comments, and as a teenager, I let them wound my soul. I longed for her approval, for a compliment, for anything that might be interpreted as acceptance. But acceptance did not come.
Fast Forward to October when my husband and I made the hard decision to move in with her due to her inability to live by herself any longer. It has been a hard journey, learning to love her despite her obvious flaws. She's pushed the boundaries every time we've set them down, and often life feels more like a battle than anything else and I'll admit, I almost gave up.
Lately it has been harder to face her and to love her. I've lacked the ability to walk away when she's being unreasonable. When she engages me, I engage right back and lately thats been happening more often. I battle the urge to run away from it, away from the responsibility to a world devoid of hurts and wounded people, especially her. I let people convince me that I could do this, I could move on, leaving her alone to be someone elses problem. But deep down I knew this was wrong. I couldn't justify leaving her alone or running away from the problem. You know the saying, wherever you go, there you are.
A few days ago it finally dawned on me. The problem wasn't my circumstances. It was how I was reacting to them. I was letting my circumstances rule my reactions. Last post I said that true freedom is the ability to react to anything out of who we are in Christ, not our circumstances, but I'd been doing exactly the opposite.
Nonna is always going to be a part of my reality, whether I live with her or not she's my family. And yes, she's always going to be a bit crazy. I cannot change her, but I can change my reaction to her. I can react to her out of who I know God made me, and not out of the circumstances we're in. I can set boundaries and maintain them, even if she isn't happy about it. Reacting this way, in true freedom, let's me face my current tribulations head on and victoriously.