Control Freak: a memoir of letting go......

I've never worked well in groups. I confess that I did almost anything I could to avoid group projects in high school and college and I'm sure in my school file the phrase"does not work well with others" is stamped somewhere on there. I am, amongst other things, a hopeless idealist and perfectionist, which makes it hard to let anyone else take the reigns in any project that I'm vested in, including my marriage.

Yesterday we braved the cold and misty rain to put up our Christmas lights per my grandmother's request. I stood at the bottom of the ladder giving orders and handing lights and clips to my husband who perched gracefully on the roof. As usual, I was calling the shots. My husband took the orders that were barked at him gracefully as he usually does, right up until it was time to take the rented ladder back to Home Depot. That's when all my pushing, shoving, and controlling had finally rubbed a hole in my husband's patience.

My first reaction was to blame him. He was being unreasonable, unstable, and mean. Didn't he know that I usually knew better? Didn't he know that I was the wiser one in the relationship? And then that ever still and small voice in my head tugged at my heart yet again. Don't you know that I know better? Don't you know that all wisdom comes from Me? Ouch, God.

Suddenly I realized something. See, for years I'd battled with my husband, calling him a poor leader, telling him that he needed to man up, criticizing him in ways that make me cringe when I look back. But the truth is that I'd never let go of the reigns long enough for my dear husband to take them from me. The truth was that I'd never trusted God enough to let go of anything. I'd strived and battled and pushed to be in control my whole life, and in the process I made myself and everyone around me miserable, including my husband.

Up until now I thought I'd done a great job of keeping myself free in Christ, but my control issues pointed to a link in the chains yet unbroken. I was afraid to let go. If I wasn't holding the reigns, I reasoned, who else would? I'd forgotten that God ultimately holds all our reigns. I'd forgotten that I didn't always get to be in the driver's seat.

Didn't Jesus say His yoke was easy, His burden light? Didn't He tell us we could cast all our cares on Him? Yesterday was my first lesson in letting go. I know it won't be easy. The truth is that I still have this "fear" in me of the unknown, but I'm walking it out like a bad leg cramp and I'm learning to walk in freedom, even if I don't feel all that free yet. There's no gaurantee that if I let go bad things won't happen, but I know now that the King of Kings will be right beside me all the way.


  1. Alex,

    What an amazing post! Amen.

    That's just awesome that you let God show you something important in such a small thing. It is true, isn't it: often we struggle because our husbands aren't the men we want them to be, but in the struggling we also reinforce the negative image we have of them.

    To be able to give it to God to let Him mold the relationship is freedom. It means giving up the right to have a perfect life. It means saying that your joy comes from God, and not from your husband. It means saying that God knows best, not you. And that means that we may not get our dreams met.

    But, ironically, as we walk through that process, we are more likely to achieve the happiness and joy we seek. (Plus we make our husbands feel much stronger!).

    So way to go, girl!

    Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!

  2. Hello from Romania ,
    please read the blog – My heart His words – please look at-post - Humbled and Convicted- , my friend Tammy Nischan wrote them the story and some pictures of some hungryes poors kids , what we try to help them for Christmas .Our LORD will be so proud of us if we will do something!We wish to help this kids hope that you will love the story !
    I love you blog,
    sweet blessings and MERRY CHRISTMAS

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